Friday, February 27, 2009

the most amazing article ever written...

... life changing.

Read the whole staggering work or read the excerpts I kindly cut and paste for you,:

You abused her, as it were, the way one abuses a substance. You took too much of her. You got drunk on her. When she ran dry you needed more. So you went out and got more. You didn't care where you got or who you got from or how it made her feel. What you felt for her was not as much love for her as love for what she contained, what she promised, what she brought to you. You loved her like an addict loves the bottle the whiskey comes in. You loved the whiskey that she was. You loved the high she gave you.

Addiction and love are different. Love is hard. Addiction is a better high.

But addiction will destroy you. Addiction will leave you wanting more. Just look at you. You are still reeling. You are still craving that future of limitless highs, smothered in the butter of her endless fascination. To dwell on this will only excite more hunger, more desire, more self-interested seeking after conquest and orgasm and acceptance and adrenaline and intimacy and release.

You professed to not know why you hurt her, because to admit why you hurt her would be to admit that she was an object. Since she was an object, in a sense you tried to destroy her. 
We attempt to destroy the objects of our addiction. In our delusion, we see them as the cause of our addiction.

I suggest that you consider the possibility that in being the wonderful person you are, talented and successful and creative, you are, like so many of us talented and successful and creative people, 
deeply flawed in the classic way, flawed like Byron and Jim Morrison, flawed like Shakespeare and Don Juan, flawed like Richard Burton, flawed like JFK and Bill Clinton, flawed like a rock star, flawed like Sinatra.

This flaw will not leave you in the physical gutter the way an alcohol addiction will. It leaves you in a cultural gutter, despised by women and men alike, outcast, unable to live within society's rules, unable take care of your family.

But grieving and moving on are not things that you do. They are things that happen to you. 

She's gone. She's gone and it's over. What you are left with is yourself.

Best Response from a reader

You can't get over her for the same reason you cheated on her: you are an egotistical narcissist. You want to win at any cost. You want the perfect girl and at the same time, you want to screw any other attractive woman who crosses into your sight lines. You, of course, want HER (Ms. Perfect) to be faithful to YOU -- I can only imagine your rage if SHE had cheated on YOU three times.

She's not coming back, and you are not (yet) capable of having a faithful, committed relationship with ANYONE. So if you are alone for a time, that's a good thing.

You can try and get some psychological help for your narcissim, but I warn you that it is a hard condition to treat or grow out of....narcissists like being narcissists. They like having the whole world spin around them and their problems. They like having rules for other people, but total freedom for themselves.

For what it is worth: there is no Ms. or Mr. Perfect for anybody. All of us can have successful long term relationships with a surprisingly large number of people -- IF we are mature and can commit to long term fidelity (and do it with a happy, joyful open heart...not as if it was a long term jail sentence.) There are a heck of a lot of genuinely good and decent women out there, LW -- many of them could make you happy.

But you can't be happy, because you are a controlling narcissist with a giant ego, who wants to sleep around. So -- either commit first to CHANGE, or face the facts that this is the rest of your life....just like this.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Act One: Letting Go

Sometimes its not the act itself that reveals the truth behind everything but the aftermath of such significant act. It's not the removal of clothes or new distractions that help make you feel better but the letting go. I've been letting a lot of things go lately, trudging forward, not belonging to anyone anymore. In my wake I've already uncovered some important truths that I've yet to learn about the nature of people, about the nature of the human heart; we are lonely and needy creatures. It takes just the right combination of personalities (and chemistry or curiosity?) for two individuals to meet and hold on to something so intangible between them for such a ridiculously long time. Either we are some of the most sentimental saps on earth or just plain stupid. It doesn't change anything. Something had to be done in order to move forward and I'm moving full speed ahead. 

The future isn't daunting because I'm not thinking about will be or could happen let alone predict what will be. I am living in the moment and appreciating every second. I refuse to let something that hasn't happen hinder my experiences. I'm getting sick of how people need a reason/goals/something to strive for in order to commit to anything, they need to know what will become of a relationship in order to stick with it... What if you meet and enjoy each other's company, but never fall in love? Will you stay then? Does it matter? Why put all that pressure on yourselves? It hinders the very act of falling in love because you're so busy trying to make it happen.

There's nothing like submerging yourself in such a lively city as New York when all you want is to feel alive. Just being in that energy and connecting with so many unique and creative individuals, it feeds a part of my brain that Maryland or DC will never satiate. But this time was different. There was nothing holding me back and there were no limitations. My decisions were mines to make with no precursors effecting the outcome. I felt a strange sense of freedom that was exciting yet scary. The abandonment of so many inhibitions that once kept me safe shook me a little, yet the idea of having no boundaries was exhilarating.  

I was lucky enough to be in the company of some really great friends and I feel as if I can't thank them enough. They didn't really do anything grandios, but just the fact that they were so welcoming, generous and considerate made all the difference. I felt safe and I thought that was only possible with a boyfriend. I stayed with a good friend and 2 of his room mates in the Finance District.

Friday night was enlightening to say the least. I made two new friends who are very much wise and genuine. I can't wait to see them and listen to them talk again. So much to be gained and learned. One of the best thing you can do for yourself is just sit and listen when someone is telling you their story. Experiences shared is a priceless.  

On Saturday I reunited with an old friend who caught me up on his whirlwind life. I had my first taste of soup dumpling, which Brett could suck like a pro. The skins stuck to our lips. Later that night, the guys and I decide to make up for the last time I was in NY and stayed sober. Evan went straight for the Patron at the bar despite my warnings that I would definitely die. I think two shots did me in. Mike stayed sober, but laughed and danced just as much as I did if not more, and I was the worse of our group.  

On the cab ride back things started to get fuzzy. We were flashed some brown buttcheeks on the way to Ktown. All I remember is the girl's ass was very flat and square. Apparently the window was still up when she flashed us. A tiff between friends ensued and I, being the overly sensitive drunk, let it scare me more than it should and put me on the verge of tears. It's actually comical. In the morning, I listened as Brett recall how I passed out in the lobby and he had to carry my dead weight upstairs; "Like Hannibal," he kept saying. As we got into the elevator, supicious tenants eyed him. "He roofied her," they must have thought. The irony is, one would have to roofie him, the Asexual Brett. When I woke up, someone had, in a very sweet gesture, placed my scarf around my feet to keep them warm. College revisited, lunch and dinner lost to the porclean god, but all was well with the world the next day as we slurped down ramen at Ippudo.

On the bus ride back home, I cut my last and final ties of nonsense. Friends will have to suffice for now. And sometimes, that's just enough.