But socially drained doesn't even begin to explain how I feel right now. I think at the core I am anti-social. So I yearn to fly away somewhere away from people, away from friends, or maybe just into the warm arms of those who I can be myself with. Who let me be sad or unhappy or dissatisfied.
I have a friend who is in worse shape than me, but I won't tell her to "Cheer up" or look at her like an untouchable when she fails to obey orders. To her, I will say, "Some days are good, and some days are bad. But the beauty of life is that, it goes on." And she can cry as much as she wants and it might break my heart, but that's life.
The warmest touches are from the ones who don't try to change you or make you better, but from the ones who just love you in whatever state you are in. I feel like I am fighting with myself, my very being and I don't like it because I was relying too much on others to tell me how I should feel. But the truth is I am this. And that's all there is to it. Tomorrow it'll go away or it won't. But tomorrow, whoever sticks around will be the ones who love me most.
And I am the biggest hypocrite of this. I've always seen the flaws in all my friends, blatantly point them out, and try to force them to change. In my head I was doing them a favor. Change is progress and if you are not working every day to better yourself, then you become stagnant; in life and personal growth. But being hyper critical and analytical doesn't facilitate change. It makes people feel worse. It pushes them away.
Only through acceptance, which is love, will others learn to love themselves. And when they do, things will get better.
Lots of introspection going on lately. I seriously need a vacation.