Monday, June 21, 2010

good relationship vs. bad relationship, and how to tell the difference

I am not the relationship standard for what is healthy, but I do know there is a universal 'goodness' and 'badness' factor that lies in all healthy and unhealthy relationships from my years of dating. Let my mistakes be your gentle guidance.


Bad - you omit stories from your past and/or your current activities as to avoid having to deal with his/her reactions. You accept issues in your relationships as 'the way things are' and bite your tongue when something bothers you.
Good - you can tell each other anything, including if you still talk to your ex because you feel like you have nothing to hide from each other. you have open communication and are able to bring up issues as they arise without fear of judgement, retaliation, or blame deflection. your partner listens intently and tries their best to understand without taking offense.


Bad - you feel like you have to lie, sugar coat or say what the other person would like to hear
Good - you can be honest in your opinions

Bad - you always do what he/she wants to do, but never the other way around
Good - plans are made together

Bad - you only see your friends when she/he is out of town, busy with his/her own plans, OK's the crowd or gives you permission. and your friends have given up on inviting you out because they know you won't show up.
Good - you see your own friends a reasonable amount and so does your signification other with his/her group of friends. you don't miss big get-together's for reasons such as "Oh, my gf/bf is tired/doesn't feel like going/doesn't want me to go"

Bad - every since your relationship, you've had to cut off communication with certain friends, no matter how platonic you were with them, because your significant other did not approve.
Good - you still talk to all your regular friends just as much as before the relationship and manage to keep up with the major going-on's of their lives

Bad - fights happen on a regular basis and anything can trigger a full out break-up. for example: you didn't call, check-in, missed his/her call, dinner with the boys/girls ran late, unintentionally say something hurtful, neglected the small details, forgot to wash your hands... you get the point.
Good - fights are rarely ever fights. They are discussions and usually are resolved as soon as the issue is brought up.

Bad - you can only have fun when it is just the two of you, no other parties involved. when there are, it's usually awkward, or you both put on difference faces, hold back a bit, or have a hard time being yourselves. 
Good - you have fun no matter where you are, with whoever; be it stuck in line, hanging out with friends, or sitting in a taxi. It's always good.


Bad - your bf/gf doesn't make an effort to get along or get to know your friends.
Good - your gf/bf gets along with your friends and they actually are becoming friends as well.

Bad - you guys don't go on dates anymore, or dress up for each other (ever).
Good - sometimes you don't need anything to realize just how lucky you are, but he/she still makes an effort to surprise you with something sweet



Bad - they keep tabs every little sweet gesture, good deed, gift, or favor that they ever did for you, and sometimes bring it up to make you feel bad for failing return the same gesture
Good - they do things without expecting anything in return and will never mention it again


Bad - there is nothing else going on in their life outside of this relationship other than work (ie, friends, socially, etc). and you'll be damned if you do and they do not because they will make you feel like hell for preferring to live your life than spend every waking hour with them.
Good - your significant other has a life outside of your relationship, but there is a good balance between friends, family and love.

Bad - you are staying because you don't want to hurt them
Good - you are staying because this is what you want

did i miss anything?


2 comments:

Leica Lucida said...

My relationship with my ex-boyfriend was everyone of those "bad" guidelines. If only I'd known then what I know now, lol!

H said...

i know this is an older post, but i just wanted to say wow...pretty sure you nailed all of them, even the ones i never wanted to articulate to myself. i might need to save this one and keep it as a reminder. thanks :)
- helen

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