To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.
- Anais Nin
I feel it again. A little late since the new season has begun, but I feel renewed. I don't know how to explain it. But I've come to a screeching halt, finally able to rest upon stillness and peace. There is chaos around me, as there always will be, but inside me is calm. I don't know how it happened, but I stopped wanting--needing to feel alive, adored, to be the epicenter of excitement. To be in control.
There are things that used to appeal to me. Used to make me feel so invisible if I missed out. And then I missed out. And I didn't feel any loss or forgotten. I did not want it or cared for it anymore.
I want to be a source of peace. I don't want to cause pain or hurt. And if I cannot avoid it, I will remove myself from the equation. You can't please every one, it's true, and neither will the most amicable person get along with every one. There is no use forcing it. But you have to please yourself first and foremost.
I find myself for lack of want. Want of new friends. Want of love. Want of attention. I don't need it any longer. Because those things came from beyond me, they will always be beyond me. I have no desire to seek out new friendships, but if they come I welcome it with open arms. It's not being elitist. It's realizing how lucky and blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life and realizing that I need to nourish what I already have.
It's realizing that I already have everything I ever needed.