Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Shall we panic? Or shall we dance?

I haven't updated you on my new life in new york city as of late. I haven't because I don't know how to put it into words. Nothing solid, nothing concrete has been formed in order to be described. The future is bright and I keep moving forward, but I don't know where it's all leading and I guess that scares and excites me a bit. I don't have a clear path that I am following. I'm just following my instincts and the things I love, wherever they may lead me.

I go about the city doing errands, but I don't feel like I belong. I felt more at home here when I was a visitor than I do living here. It doesn't feel natural yet. I haven't found the right rhythm to fall into. The one time I did feel at ease was when I started yoga again. Learning to breath and ground my body was like learning how to ride a bike again. Eventually I fell into it and for a moment I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Day 2 - Your Crush

Dearest Crush,

I was supposed to write this weeks ago. I started to a few times in my head, but how does one approach a letter to a crush? So here goes my first one.

I don't usually have crushes. I can admire a beautiful face or smile. But to admire a whole person for all their being, well that's really rare. You have to be more than just a pretty face, you have to have left a strong mark from the things you do, and what you say, or don't say.

I like you because you are breathtakingly beautiful, yet painfully unaware. A flawless facade, all at once intriguing and dangerous. You embrace your flaws, your indulgences and your mistakes. You are unabashed in your wants and desires and live your life with your heart on your sleeve. But most importantly you inspire me. You've shown me that a person can be full of desires and darkness, and still be selfless and kind. You taught me to be giving to myself in order to be able to give to others. You taught me to be honest with myself and hide nothing. I think honesty is a source of confidence. If you own your truths, they have nothing to hold against you.

My crushes are very rare, because people worth admiring from afar, worth of inspiration and beautifully flawed are so very rare as well.

slow down

I could play this all day in the background as I work. The imagery is all at once mesmerizing, sensual and inspiring. The sounds are stirring and leave me in the strangest stillness and clarity. He's grown. His eyes are deeper and when they stare out, they seem to be looking for something else beneath the surface. Kanye is very self aware of his own vices, his ego, his biggest flaw and it shows in his lyrics. He's unapologetic about it. But he makes it so beautiful. I hope he never stops expressing himself. 


Thursday, October 14, 2010


"He thought of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, assassinated in 1914. As he looked down at the bloody hole in his middle, the Archduke had said, "It is nothing." He was mistaken. There's no doubt that the Archduke Franz Ferdinand Mattered, although he was neither a prodigy nor a genius; his assassination sparked World War I--so his death led to 8,528,831 others."

Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 1 - Your Best Friend

I can't recall the last time I had a best friend. The concept seems a bit prepubescent, or too idealistic. A best friend, in the true sense of the word, can only exist in a world where you are still naive and young, undaunted by life responsibilities, the complications of sex, marriage, children and significant others. When it was all about passing notes in class and wishing on shooting stars, having a best friend didn't seem all too impossible. Now I hardly have time for consistent friends that I see every week. When I have time, we get dinner and catch up. Is that what a best friend is nowadays? Back then it was about sleepovers, crushes, getting grounded, camp-outs, secrets and bracelets. Now, if I'm lucky I get to see my friends on my birthday. Perhaps I'm too cynical. Being an adult does that to you. You're so lucky I only knew you when we were silly little girls. I'm sure I would dislike you now. I dislike most people and can only tolerate most of my friends for a short amount of time. After being let down too many times, I've also learned to stop expecting anything of my friends. So when they do reach out to me, unasked, I cherish it even more. But I don't start seeing rainbows and butterflies. I've learned, people are inconsistent, and it's perhaps time that I let go of my childish idealisms. A child expects that when someone says they will be there for them to be there. I don't think all my friends are bad at being friends, but like me, they are busy with their own lives. I guess the obvious reality of the matter is, we are not part of each other's daily lives.

But I have a thing for being too short sighted. Today, I am just in a cynical mood. I must remind myself that there were people who sat on a bus for four hours to come see me on my birthday. Someone who baked me a lovely 4-tier cake last year --the fanciest home made cake I've ever had to date. Some people sent me gifts and made me dinner, or called me to dinner. Made me special things out of what they were good at. Time. They took the time out of their lives to tell me I mean something. 

Even though we are no longer best friends and I no longer have best friends, I am glad I was lucky enough to have one growing up. Someone to share my silly thoughts and dreams with. Someone to talk to for hours on the phone and someone to see that Romeo and Juliet movie with (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio when he was such a heart throb).

Best friend, I'm glad I knew you. It would be nice to have one today, but I don't think I would even have the time for you. Maybe we can get dinner sometimes and catch up. 


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

30-Day Challenge

i found this here. and it inspired me. thank you. going to start this tomorrow. It's a 30 day challenge in which each day you are to write an honest letter to a different person. The challenge goes:

A Letter to …

Day 1 — Your best friend.
Day 2 — Your crush.
Day 3 — Your parents.
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams.
Day 6 — A stranger.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.

the obligatory bucket list

{my bucket list. as of 10.6.10}

  • record and retell the life of my father
  • write a novel about growing up, through my oddly filtered eyes
  • help as many people as my mother
  • travel to tibet and have tea with the dalai lama
  • be able to speak fluently in french to my sisters
  • elope
  • swim with the dolpins
  • start a non-profit
  • start an out-reach program for inner-city/at-risk youths
  • paint a mural

Sunday, October 3, 2010

in pictures

all things go

this is to say goodbye. to my grandfather. to my old life. to who i was. to just about everything i knew to be true. everything keeps shifting under my feet. i can't get a grasp on what is going on. you'd think i'd be overwhelmed. i am. but it feels as though I am on a precipice of something entirely new. something that i have never experienced before.

we don't have to get any of it back. whatever happened, it couldn't have been done any other way and to mourn the past, is to be stuck in it. I miss my grandfather dearly. If anyone could love me more than my parents, who spent more time with me, it was him. He made me the happiest little girl growing up. I have never felt so much unconditional love. isn't that the magic about grandparents? your parents can get mad at you, or ground you. But your grandparents will never blame you for anything. he used to shield me from my mother's scorn. Every morning he would take me on his bicycle and we would ride slowly though the city, the smell of dew still thick in the air. so many beautiful childhood memories owed to him. he passed away last wednesday, having lived a full life of 98 years. I couldn't be more blessed to have had someone like that love me.

and after all these things. the move and everything, i feel buried under a long list of to-do's. I've probably inadvertently neglected some friends, but the ones who will hold this against me, probably weren't my friends to begin with. the distance is such a great filter to find out who your true friends are. half of the times, those who made an effort to reach out and keep in touch have taken me by surprised. I never knew they cared. but its a great feeling.

Everything is changing, just the way it's supposed to. I'm sitting back and waiting until my breath catches up.