Sunday, January 9, 2011

mirror reflected


Looking at my entry counts over there on the right I see that in 2009 I wrote a total of 334 entries. In 2008 I wrote half as much and the reason to that is obvious (to me). It was an uninspiring year. But again last year, only 157. You could say 2009 was my most inspiring. It was a perfect balance of old, new, resilience and surprises and great passion. I fell in love again, and it's been a whiles. The last time I was in love was probably  six years ago. Strange. It wasn't healthy love. This, this is healthy love. But it scares me.

It scares me to be healthy and happy because I've always found inspiration in darkness, rather than light. I know people whose heart flush with warmth and crazy ideas when they are happy. I think my mind just goes blank.

I had thought this entry out. Something about yearning to be quiet instead of being so openly expressive. Yearning for peace in 2011. Something about being attributed by a stranger that I was "misunderstood." The stranger is my best friend's best friend. How ironic that they should both agree on this point, one knowing nothing about me and the other in love with me. People will always make false assumptions about the person that you are, especially if you are a more complex animal than they are used to. If you live a life of honest contradictions, embracing all your flaws and showing your true skin, raw and red every time. When you refuse to fit into a mold, well aware of how a person like you should be, how a person who looks and dress and walks and talks like you should behave. It just doesn't fit. It scares them. 

Let me tell you something. When someone makes a brash decision of who you are, someone who hardly knows you, it doesn't mean shit. It means that they have to define something as soon as it comes into their well-observed little bubble because to leave something undefined scares them. These people like to be in control, they like to think they know all there is to know. And when they don't, when they realized they were wrong...they blame you; It's your fault because you are so confusing and complex that you caused misunderstanding. 

Misunderstood. It's not much a reflection of you as much as it is a reflection of who pinned that on you. Because we know that we are all capable of being everything and nothing at the same time. We are capable of extremes and mediocrity, and we can change in an instant if we wish because we know a secret that they do not. We know that nothing lasts and permanence is an illusion. We know that tomorrow we will not be the same person that we were today. 

Or last year. Or six years ago.



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