Wednesday, August 22, 2012

About me

I trip a lot because I wear heels everywhere.

Twitter is where I vent.

My nails are always chipped because I am that lazy.

I love my kindle but I'm starting to miss ear marking my pages. And turning pages. And the smell of the pages.

I have insomnia again. Had it when I returned from Asia. It wasn't so bad in the winter. But now it's starting again. When we sleep together is probably the only times I can sleep.

I've never really been single. This might be why I have insomnia.

I want consistency, guarantees, unconditional and stability. All things I don't personally know how to give.

Most of all I crave companionship and freedom.

I am full of contradictions that I don't know if I will ever be happy once I finally get what I want because what I want will only be half of a whole.

I want to get away. Disappear for a little while again.

Monday, August 20, 2012

for women who are difficult to love

by Warsan Shire
you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love

Do you have stars in your mouth?

thank you my wonderful friend who decided he wanted to use his camera on me. so i picked out a dress and started to shoot. good casual friday. we immediately headed over to our favorite tapas place for a half pitcher of sangria and could not stop talking about life, love, loss. and we were so happy. my girlfriend is writing a manuscript. i know it will be amazing & heartbreaking.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

silver linings

-cozy flannel shirts
-lip stains
-vanilla perfume
-pastel roses for no special occasion
-tea in the morning in bed
-fresh sheets
-lacy undergarments
-sleepy FaceTime calls
-sleepy sex
-the moment when you just wake up and everything feels warm like it came fresh out of the dryer
-buying yourself flowers
-napping during a thunderstorm
-a kiss on the forehead during a quiet unexpected moment
-a spontaneous escape

looks like the lover and i are planning something random at the end of the month. new york this weekend, perhaps Jamaica right after, Electric Zoo, then he starts classes (2nd at Wharton).

me? I'm probably gonna daydream. I have the nonprofit work, events, classes as well. but my life is simple. I pick up and go when i please. he doesn't keep me in cages. no one does.

my next book

as soon as I finish book five of Games of Thrones, I will be reading this:

"He knew why he wanted to kiss her. Because she was beautiful. And before that, because she was kind. And before that, because she was smart and funny. Because she was exactly the right kind of smart and funny. Because he could imagine taking a long trip with her without ever getting bored. Because whenever he saw something new and interesting, or new and ridiculous, he always wondered what she’d have to say about it—how many stars she’d give it and why." - Rainbow Rowell, Attachments

and so it is

Monday, August 13, 2012

blue skin

"She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by—
And never knew." - Shel Silverstein

"Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you." -Jonathan Safran Foer

heart of stone

heart of stone, cold as ice, in her well kept fortress she bides. beneath the railings, madness stirs, burning red.  from its deposits, nutrients flow and the garden grows. flowers bloom. some carry nectar, others sweet poison, soothing lovers to dream. 

when midnight comes, birds can be heard, echoing through empty hollow hallways. mysterious doors beckon visitors. some lead to strange new lands, some are just empty rooms, and some may devour you whole. the front gate remains open. those who enter are rarely seen again. 

"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow, and I am in them, and that is eternity." - Edvard Munch 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Strange dreams

1. "You've lost too much blood," they said to me gently. I don't know how it happened. Maybe my period got carried away but I was fatigued and exhausted. My lips had turned blue. "What can I do to fix this?" I ask. "Stop bleeding yourself to death," was their only reply.

2. A white laced dress. A small child walking up large marble steps leading to the ivory tower, the cave of the beast. Golden leaves fell around her and a light drizzle began to fall. Autumn smelled continually of rotting foliage and dampness. The girl clings to the fabric of her dress with both hands tiny as they were. Dainty and small, she looked almost harmless, yet she knew she had to overthrow the monster inside and make the tower hers. Inside, the wolves and lions paced, expecting her arrival. They didn't show how it happened, but in the end, she had managed to became their queen.

3. "You know what the best part of me is?"
"What's that?"
"My grandfather." And she walked away.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Mahhh-jor. Ecotools Online Shop Now Open

I love ecotools, which makes amazing beauty brushes that are 100% cruelty free. Their brush heads are one of the softest that I've ever used. With my sensitive skin, the quality of the brush is a major factor. They just opened up their online store so I no longer have to hunt for them at Target, which is usually always out of stock on them.

My favorite is their 5-piece brush set ($9.99) and powder brush ($7.99). The quality of their brushes are comparable to the most expensive brands, but the best part is that they are affordable at  such reasonable prices. I've had Dior & Chanel brushes and they do not measure up to my ecotools.

written in the stars - eric turner

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I don't ever look back

This seems like a good song to sing to at the top of your lungs in the privacy of your own car. 
Windows down at your own discretion.


Life without Facebook is so...lucid. My Facebook got disabled last night for reasons I don't wholly care to investigate. But now I find myself looking for other outlets for expression.

This is probably all for the best.

Monday, August 6, 2012


The Paris Review (@parisreview)
8/6/12 11:00 AM:

Artists are outsiders; we have no place in society because society is what we’re watching, and dealing with. –Trevor

Writing has been so cathartic lately, it feels extremely self indulgent.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


“If this continues, if this goes on, then when I die, your memories of me will be my greatest accomplishment. Your memories will be my most lasting impressions.”
― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

the heart is a silent dagger

I tend to run when I know I'm in trouble. Things have been easy most of the time, and my flightiness is further enabled by the lover and all those around me. Once I ran to New York every weekend because staying in the suburbs felt akin to settling down to something suffocating predictable. And Michael Jackson's Human Nature kept playing in my head as I sat anxiously on that bus, riding through the darkness, envisioning New York before me, before I even reached her. What I saw was freedom and calamity and nights that blurred into day. I wanted that so badly, thirsted for it.

There were nights where last call never came and we would sit over drinks and talk about everything under the moon until we were comfortable with silence. When I finally had the courage to step outside, I knew the weekend was coming to an end.

we were infinite

ID Festival was a blast, but I didn't feel whole as I usually did when the lover is around. When you want to go crazy, you want to know that should any thing go wrong, he will be there to make sure everything is OK. In this case, I held back a bit. I had fun, but it could have been better.

The last week has gone by quite fast, and suddenly I realize that it's August. And just last month it felt like I was in Italy, wandering the cobble streets of Firenze as dusk grew old, finding our way back to the villa on the hill. It didn't matter the hour, we were determined to walk, and he held my hand and went with me as far as I wanted to go.

I could have gone on forever if I had a warmer jacket. Florence is endless on foot and every corner was something new. Even the view on this side of the Arno river was intimidating. Instead of ancient buildings, there loomed dark hills with so many stories I wanted to learn.

So we walked that night until I started to shake and he hailed a taxi. I didn't want the night to end, so I asked him if we could go past our villa and explore the Piazzale Michelangelo. From there we could see the quiet villa, waiting for us. We took a few pictures of us with Florence at night but they were all blurry.