Saturday, September 29, 2012


It's 3am, a good time as any to write about my birthday. I flaked tonight though. It was a friend's birthday and I had promised to go but I did not. I've realized that I'm a homebody and any situation that involves putting on a lot of make up and looking cute for anyone other than myself for the sole purpose of getting free drinks is somewhat disheartening. Not the people, but the idea of going out. I can't imagine what you could do or whom you could meet that wouldn't
be better than a friend you'd make during daylight hours and without music blaring or alcohol involved. I take that back. Any situation can be improved with alcohol. I just needed to recharge from the week. But I digress.

The birthday. I wanted to stay in bed as my previous post had stated. But I received the most beautiful vase of hydrangeas. Since my favorite flowers are out of season by now (peonies), the next best thing that resembles an explosion of petals or a ball gown would be hydrangeas. I don't like meek little flowers. An unexpected delivery of flowers will make any girls day, bday or not. Then came my first bday wish which happened at lunch. I insisted it wasn't necessary. We don't need to celebrate my new older age, but they were persistent. I blew out my candles and he sneakily took pictures. Dislike.

The second wish came with unexpected company. I didn't think I would live to see the day when I would get a surprise party. I'm always the one hosting and organizing, but it has always been secretly on my bucket list: to have someone host me a surprise bday. It's a conflict of interest since you can't really tell any one what you want because it defeats the whole purpose. Thankfully I didn't have to. My best friend read my mind. I arrived an hour and a half late but all was graciously happy to see me. They fed me and we laughed so much. It was a great night (and a weeknight)! We were the last ones in the restaurant. My second wish was the same as my first. I hope it comes true.

The week has been filled with dinners and catch ups. I'm happy the bday is behind me now. I'm happy to be by myself right now.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell

finished this in about a day. it's an easy and enjoyable enough read. had to pause a few times and smile to myself. she creates truly magical moments that are just honest. no big words, no need to sound didactic. it's just good. and hopeful.

Her second book comes out in February 2013. One of the protagonist is half Korean. Interesting.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

what would you give...

came across this amazing poem. and it made me think about yearning. and hunger.

what would you give to touch your lips to the soft skin on her neck one more time? 

you may not be thinking of her every second of the day. not any more. and you may not think of her tomorrow. or next week, or next year.

but one day, the thought of her will come rushing at you when that familiar song comes on, and an image of her biting her bottom lips or the feeling of her small hands inside yours will catch you by surprise. you will yearn for her with every breath as your heart begins to race from such rich intimate thoughts.

it will never go away. it slowly seeps deeper day by day and will leave you shaking for it to be gone. years will pass and you will never hold her again.

tear them down

first, click this link, press play. then read on...

being faithfully idealistic is what probably makes me a hopeless romantic and hopelessly pessimistic. but, if I had my way (and I did for a very very long time and I did get this wish, mind you), I would be running away forever from my fears and he would chase me to the ends of the earth until I finally grew exhausted from running and gave in to him.

there is no point in settling. you just build your walls and wait to see who has the patience, the determination, devotion to break them down. every brick turning back into sand. then you know you can be vulnerable. then you know you can let him in.

right now, I'm still too busy running away. =)

Monday, September 24, 2012


The dress was made of live flowers, and literally fell to pieces along the runway, a symbol of decay : Alexander McQueen s/s 2007.
The bday cometh. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. And as much as I try to hide away from it tomorrow, my lovely friends (and strangers alike) refuse to indulge me. Let me say that I am truly grateful to you for wrenching me out of my bed and forcing me to celebrate my name day. Every birthday has been full of love and unexpected surprises, and without any expectation. I am always happy to get what I can get. So thank you thank you thank for loving a wretch like me. 

Moments like these are the ones that you will think back on when you're an old soul full of fine wrinkled memories, laugh lines creeping from your eyes. Days like these are tantamount of the long forgotten ruins of your past, their structure remaining, life still clinging to each fallen column. They will excavate it one day, marking footprints and leftover artifacts of love, cataloging each instance. You have lived a full life, they will conclude. Nothing was wasted.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

There are people in your life...

There are people in your life who are going to love you for all of the wrong reasons. They will love you for the best part of your face, the best part of you naked, the best mood on your best day, the best story you ever wrote, the best outfit you ever wore.
They will love your good moods, your energy, your sense of humor, but miss that you never turn to them, but rather to a shower or a pillow or the back of your throat to shed tears. They won’t ever consider you strong.
When the parts that aren’t your best come out, some people will shield their eyes as if you have just forced them to look directly into the sun for hours until their irises burn. They’ll silently make you promise to never show them that again. Those things are not to be shown. Be at your best so I can love you. I would love you more if only you never show me those things.
And you do not marry those people. You do not sit and sleepily drink coffee with those people. You leave those people and you remind yourself that they missed the better parts of you.
(Source: givemeajobplease, via

Wednesday, September 19, 2012



Left a bag of bones on your door steps and unpacked the rest beneath the stairwell of that old apartment we used to share. Returning to my room, I fall on to my bed and the remaining memories of us scatter like leaves on to the floor. The trees outside unfurl their sweaters as I fall under the stars.

Some nights I dream of kissing you some nights I push you away.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Byzantium Personality Test

I love doing these rando personality tests. This one seems a bit inexplicable and is part of a PR campaign for a new series on Cinemax called Hunted. The questions themselves are abstract and you click on corresponding images.

I found the results to be pretty neat.

You are an enduring fighter
with masked passions.

Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present.

As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks.

Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them.
However, the passion that underlies your desire for success is unique. This makes you unlike others. You cannot simply accept what life has to offer; you aspire for more.

>>Take the Byzantium Test here.

Have fun.

baby steps

This image is hope personified. I will recreate it one day. Maybe on a birthday. Anyways, if you have a nice slow song going in the background with a good steady beat, this image seems like it was made for your song.

Had the most decadent dinner last night from an up-and-coming chef. His new restaurant is slated to open in the next month or so. But being there, in that dimly lit room with a few of my close friends, in an undisclosed location, spirits flowing in our veins, I was ecstatic. Every dish was a surprise to behold and we delicately spooned each savory morsel into our mouths. Conversation ranged from what songs were playing overhead, our next trips together, and any random taboo thing. My face ached from smiling and my eyes threatened to close forever. 

Been seeking comfort in the company of friends who do not judge me. They spoil me and let me be. But they always give me what I want. I've also taken to going out of town on weekends, adventure seeking (hello flying lessons), and going to matinees by myself. Oh, and eating well with good people every chance I get. This being alone thing, it's like learning to walk for the first time. Baby steps.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

help is on the way

[help is on the way] will pretty much be music therapy. and this one is pretty phenom

You have a girlfriend but she's not your girlfriend
She's just your friend for the night
You'll have a new one in the morning
She'll have really pretty eyes

She'll be invisible like you want her
She'll try to do everything just right for you
[ Lyrics from: ]
You have a girlfriend but she's not your girlfriend
You just like her where she's at
And you'll thank her for the things she bought you
Then you'll go on your way

She'll be invisible like you want her
She won't go to class, but she'll sleep in your bed
And the next day when you chase the other girl
She'll remember all the things you said to her

alone; by courage by chance

I'm single. For the first time since I was 17 years old. It was a conscious decision made easier by a restless stirring deep in my bones. (But I cry every time I think about him.)

I have always equated being single to being alone. To having no one to love. So I've always avoided it. Now, as I reject being in love, I find myself in lack of actual time alone.

Some interesting creatures have found me, some by pure luck, some reached out after hearing the news. I've been here, on this platform between the fourth and fifth floor, studying since 10:50AM. In this terminal, we are both studying quietly. We'll be here for another 5 hours, this new friend and I.

Though I'm grateful for the company, I almost wonder why it is that I can't even be by myself after forcing myself to be alone, even if this all happened by chance and I didn't go looking for it. Well here he is, my new study buddy.

It's time to surrender to the fact that people will always find me by courage or by chance. And I should just embrace every instance. I am a passive receptor. You can come find me.

C'est la vie.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Everything falls into place

I am brimming with fear. Silly little fears really. When I think backwards and look at my life, everything just kind of falls into place, no matter how daunting the future of that one moment seemed at that time. And like before, it seems to all be falling into place, even if it looks like it is falling apart.

So last night when I felt a little lost and wondered how life would get me out of this one, it delivered me a perfect and unexpected distraction. Which is turning out to be something more interesting as time goes by, but I'm just so grateful to even have what I have right now.

We'll see where this all goes.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

dead silence

dear anonymous friends,

i needed a moment so i shut the blog down. my head isn't completely cleared, but with more time and writing it should be. my apologies for the sudden disappearance and my sincere gratitude to those who reached out to me through other means to lend me their support.

more soon.