Thursday, October 27, 2016

I promise not to forget

"Give yourself a moment to enjoy your achievements."

The past few years have been nonstop going from one to-do item to the next. Each completion felt like I was getting one step closer to the person I was supposed to be, the person I should be; someone with a degree, a full time job, a six-figure salary and a 401k. This blog, and ultimately my own well-being, fell by the wayside. If anyone still subscribes to this blog, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. You are not alone in yours.

If you remembered how lost I was in Shanghai, jobless and in a foreign land, you would not recognize me now. I manage a global channel for a large company. I do technical shit that requires a lot of coding which in turn pays a hefty sum. So professionally, and from looking at my Instagram, you might say I that am successful. Internally, I live in the midst of a storm.

The things that took place in my past have finally caught up with me in adulthood. They manifest themselves in the form of anxiety, a bout of insomnia that lasted for a few years, a questionable drinking habit, and often crushing self-doubt. As long as you wear the right shoes, walk tall enough and know your angles, you can fake enough charisma and self-esteem to fool anyone.

Learning to love yourself is a lifelong process. I heard the phrase first in grade school and it felt abstract but also absurd. Of course I love me, my infantile self would say. But as you get older you realize that it's a journey backwards, back into yourself that you have to find. To learn to cope with adult things and adult knowledge, of loss and atonement, of betrayal and tragedy all the while still holding on to your constitution and be able to ground yourself in the knowledge that you are you and that is truer than true (shout-out to Dr. Seuss). It requires an absurd amount of emotional and spiritual acrobatics to hold on to your sanity as the world continues to fall apart, to strive to climb the ladder when refugees wash up on faraway shores, to plan a destination wedding... you get the point.

There is much work to be done, and I have only just begun. I am deeply flawed and relishing in the journey back to the center. With each and every painful revelation comes release. A heavy sigh of relief from holding on to burdens I did not even know I was holding.

I will be writing more. I promise not to forget to write.

Friday, March 25, 2016

let them flow

I sit empty. Head empty, hands empty, past empty...heart full and bursting, beating like the last marathoner in the race. Always last. There are moments where I feel like a complete fraud, where I search desperately within myself to find myself only to come up empty. I've lost all my memories, convictions, and confidence. I have nothing original, funny, or even contrite to contribute to the conversation. I want to disappear. To start all over. Let me put on a smile. 

Now that I am a real adult, I can no longer playing pretend...there are no more excuses.

When you spend your life telling yourself to smooth out your edges, conform to ideals of being a student, colleague, girlfriend, woman, Asian adult, etc., the lines begin to blur. Where do the ideals stop and the real you begin? They merge. One will always dominates. Libras are notoriously bad at balancing. 

Traveling for the past two weeks gave me some time to be stuck with myself. The only voices around me as I walk through airport terminals with my headphones on were mines. I picked up a book and I'm back on the blog. Too many things have been suppressed, held back. 

Let me find the motivation to let them flow.