Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm sad it's over

It was such a good book. That's how you know it was good. When you purposely delay getting to the end.

"Right," the Colonel said. "Yeah. I was so tired of her getting upset for no reason. The way she would get sulky and make references to the freaking oppressive weight of tragedy or whatever but she never said what was wrong, never have a goddamn reason to be sad. My girlfriend dumped me, so I'm sad. I got caught smoking, so I'm pissed. My head hurts, so I'm cranky. She never had a reason, Pudge. I was just so tired of putting up with her drama. And I just let her go. Christ"

Her moodiness had annoyed me, too, sometimes, but not that night. That night I let her go because she told me to. It was that simple for me, and that stupid.
-Looking for Alaska, by John Green

I yearn to just connect with someone on an intellectual level and just talk with them for hours, not about sex or girls or boys, but about any other given subject. I share a lot. Things I find beautiful, things I stumble across, things I am lucky enough to have find me. That I want to show it to someone else whom I thought would apprecaite. But rarely do you get someone who actually responds with an reply that is just as enlightening as what was just told. I can't recall the last time I was thoroughly enlightened by anyone in a conversation. I don't think anyone ever has.

I lied. It happened once, but it just wasn't mean to be that one once. And I am constantly looking to be enlightened again, to be intricately enraptured in introspection... is that too much to ask?

I lied again. It happened another time long before.

We met for the first time that night, in a church, with church-going kids of whom that stereotype did not include myself. I don't know how it came about, but next thing I knew I was sitting on the empty stage in the church's performing hall with his head on my lap and we were laughing into the late hours of the night. No one slept that night. They either were running around, or watching a movie in the other room, but we were in our own little world, fascinated by each other and talking away like it wasn't 4 in the morning. I remember feeling the buzz of pulling my first all-nighter and excitment of how fast it all came together; how fast we came to be so close. I remember getting goose bumps several times in the course of our conversation and not wanting the night to end. I remember at six he and I begged one of the chaperons to let us out to see the sun rise. "That would be magical wouldn't it?"

I stand corrected. I have been enlightened by a lot of women. Men, not so much.


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