Sunday, December 22, 2013

When today was only an aspiration

Here we are. 2014. With a little over a week left to 2013, I sit in revelation. This year truly was a blur. I was just in Mexico with the lover, digging my toes into the Caribbean sea....that was in April but I remember every moment like it was last night. And now I await my flight back to the Bay to escape the winters of the east coast. In between, more revelations. 

I realize that I am heartless and selfish. But these traits are not my flaws. They shield me from negativity, they protect me from caring too much. I wear all my traits like armor. Sometimes heartlessness is required to say goodbye to a relationship that does you no good. Sometimes a tie must be severed because you refuse to be complicit to their self-wallowing. There have been a few goodbyes. Some explicit and some said with distance. I do not fault people for our failed trials, I know it is really me. I have really low tolerance for bullshit.

Sometimes selfishness is required to figure out what make you happy. Really happy. Selfishness requires bravery. The courage to turn away from your own content and comfort is one of the biggest challenge you will ever face. 

I've cut my circle down and have become more outspoken. I missed this part of me the most. The one that always calls out an inconsistency, the one that's not afraid to ruffle some feathers for the sake of honesty. Ruffled feathers are good. If they aren't ready for it they will hate you, but if they are truly intelligent, well, you've found yourself a kindred spirit. 

The lover and I are two sides of a coin (I ruffle his feathers everyday and he is the strongest person I know). We couldn't be more complementary to one another. I have never followed a formulated path, whereas he has been on track since grade school, boarding school, college and business school. Oh how day and night we are and how we converge so brilliantly into something akin to dawn; a drunken moonlit stupor full of love, emotions and promises. If I were to fall asleep in the road, I can rest assured knowing we always reach our destination. 

He affords me the freedom, precious freedom, that many do not have the luxury to give themselves. I admire the housewives, the suburban mothers who are the same age. My bliss is different. It comes in the form of a photo shoot by moonlight on the shores of Cabo (nope, I'm not a model and do not fancy myself as one...wickedly blessed opportunities for fun), running from one exotic place to the next with the lover, an esquisite evening walking back to our villa from Florence then rushing to make our train to Venice, exploring all the different shops around our apartment in Shanghai, unexpected kindness bestowed on me from friends near and far, feeling my pulse race backstage at New York fashion week, and soon, seeing the Golden Gate Bridge light up at eye level as we descend the second steepest hill in San Francisco to our corner apartment. Having that as my back yard. 

To the friendships that I've let go, I will cherish you from the shore. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I can no longer do anything for you nor do I want to. To the new ones that have form, I have but the best hopes for us, though years of jadedness may hinder me from giving too much, caring more than I dare, or expressing less than I truly feel. I am still growing and learning how to be my most honest self and being OK with how other may perceive me. 

Everything else is a mystery.

I don't know what the next five years will bring, but if the last five was any indication (four continents, three different addresss, over 13 different cities all over Asia...) I know we will get exactly where we want to be. We always do.

xx




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