I sit empty. Head empty, hands empty, past empty...heart full and bursting, beating like the last marathoner in the race. Always last. There are moments where I feel like a complete fraud, where I search desperately within myself to find myself only to come up empty. I've lost all my memories, convictions, and confidence. I have nothing original, funny, or even contrite to contribute to the conversation. I want to disappear. To start all over. Let me put on a smile.
Now that I am a real adult, I can no longer playing pretend...there are no more excuses.
When you spend your life telling yourself to smooth out your edges, conform to ideals of being a student, colleague, girlfriend, woman, Asian adult, etc., the lines begin to blur. Where do the ideals stop and the real you begin? They merge. One will always dominates. Libras are notoriously bad at balancing.
Traveling for the past two weeks gave me some time to be stuck with myself. The only voices around me as I walk through airport terminals with my headphones on were mines. I picked up a book and I'm back on the blog. Too many things have been suppressed, held back.
Let me find the motivation to let them flow.